I, Walker, hereby announce my campaign for Mayor of Lake St Louis.

I fight for you—the little people from the little lake.

Like you, I too am sick and tired of being unable to find good organic food in the 63367 zip code. Why must we ford a river in our gun-racked Chevrolets just to get a good gluten-free organic pita bread?

When I become Mayor, I will bring overpriced Whole Foodstuffs here… to our home town. And, lest you begin to think that I’m one of those Las Vegas vegan liberals who are soft on crime… in our Whole Foods, we will have a firearms aisle—as Mayor, I promise to bring bread, bullets, and baby formula under one roof for you citizenial convenience.

In the late words of my swimming and vocal coach, the muscular Missouri man who taught this Lake Louise boy how to swim underwater and sing (not necessarily at the same time), “You can’t take the misery out of The Man, but you can take the man out of Missouri.”

After he said that, he moved to California and lived happily ever after.

Why do I tell you that story as part of my campaign for Mayor of Lake St Louis?


Let’s face it.

<aside> 💩 This place is a shithole.


The Lazy Boy recliner, laminate flooring, and formica countertop must go. We must bring our town into the 21st century.

We must drain the swamp.

Have you eaten the over-priced, under-roasted toasted ravioli at the Lake St Louis Community Association restaurant?

How the hell do you screw up fried ravioli?

Today, our Lake St Louis leaders are screwing up the toasted ravioli.

Tomorrow, it will be your kids.

The septuagenarian inmates have taken over the asylum.

The time has come for us to take it back.

We can do better, Lake St Louis.

We need a fresh face with fresh ideas.